Personal statement first paragraph

[Guest]

How's this for a first paragraph in a personal statement:

I have always had an interest in the human anatomy and the way in which the body works. I find it especially interesting how the body can react to such things as illness, foreign bodies in the system and other simpler things like a cut. DNA is another thing I would like to study at greater depth - I think it is remarkable the way in which it ‘unzips’ itself in order to replicate. Studying biology this year has started to give me an insight into the anatomy and I think the best way forward would be studying a biology based degree at university.

[Guest]

Please answer when you look!

[Willa]

You use "I" too much. Try to make a statement about all of that and say at the end "It is areas like this which greatly fascinate me".

[Guest]

Thanks

[ijakings]

It's not a bad start, but it dosn't sound exceptional. It's good your talking about specific areas of the subject which interest you, but ithe way it's written makes it sound a bit like you know very little about the processes involoved. I would try to talk a bit more about what you already know rather than what you want to find out from your degree.

[gemma]

Let me rewrite it a bit for you.

The human anatomy, especially the way the body works, has always interested me. The way our bodies react to an illness, a foreign body and even the slightest cut is fascinating. I have always been interested in a broad range of biological disciplines but I am particularly looking forward to studying DNA to a degree level. Studying Biology this year at A Level has started to give me an insight into the anatomy....

[Belle Noire]

Willa - 2004-09-13 10:46 PM

You use "I" too much. Try to make a statement about all of that and say at the end "It is areas like this which greatly fascinate me".

Whenever I've written sentences like, "It is areas like this which greatly fascinate me," I'm usually told (by my English teacher) to cut out the useless words:

"Areas like this greatly fascinate me."

Also, I agree that you used I too much, but when you make the changes, I don't think that it automatically means that everything should be written in passive voice, like the example given. It just wouldn't sound right.

[Guest]

That's not actually passive, by the way - that would be something like "I am greatly fascinated by areas such as this" or "I am greatly fascinated by this". Your example has just made 'areas such as this' the subject, rather than I/me.

[Belle Noire]

Guest - 2004-09-25 7:26 PM

That's not actually passive, by the way - that would be something like "I am greatly fascinated by areas such as this" or "I am greatly fascinated by this". Your example has just made 'areas such as this' the subject, rather than I/me.

I was actually speaking of Willa's example, not my own.