beginning of person statement help please?x

[Guest]

i am applying for
events, music and media management
entertainment management
hospitality and event management
arts management
events management
music and media management

what u reckon of the beggingng so far?

'My love of music and entertainment events has helped me to realise that I want to be involved in this line of work. This is why I have chosen to apply for a course that relates to my interests.
I love the experience of going to carnivals, festivals and music concerts and would like to be a part of what goes on behind the scenes and work with a project as it grows and becomes complete.'

[Guest]

Umm.. with all due respect, what you've got there is completely basic 'I want to do this because I like it' stuff. You really gotta work on a better intro. An intro like that isn't gonna stick in anyone's mind, let alone an admission's tutor. Just being blunt.