Can someone have a quick look at my PS?

[Tony]

Here's my PS, if someone could take a quick peek and give a bit of feedback i would be so grateful.

I am a bright, capable and friendly student from Cheltenham, Gloucestershire. I have been brought up here and I am now looking to study in another part of the country to expand my knowledge, experience and life skills.

I have an interest in many different areas of life, but particularly in property and structures. For the last few years I have becoming more and more aware that this subject has an amazing potential to be something I can be a part of and add to. I have been around building and construction since my childhood, my father being a 'jack of all trades' who showed me that with a methodical and deliberate mindset you can achieve anything. Working with him part time during school holidays for many years, I gained a wide range of knowledge of everything 'hands on' including mixing concrete, measuring, power tools and basic brick laying and joinery. At present I still work with occasionally on gardening jobs, such as laying patios and turf. This has given me a good idea of how to assess and execute small projects, something which I hope to learn more about.

Last summer I went out to a renovation project in the south of France, where I helped carry out various tasks to rebuild a huge dilapidated farm house. While there I gained experience of how to repoint walls, replace entire parts of roofs, relay floorboards and much more.

My interest in property has grown over several years, to the point where I have decided to expand my knowledge of this subject further and work towards it as a career. Cheltenham has a huge variety of buildings, from the classical style townhouses of Pittville, the regent splendour of the Pump Rooms and the Queens Hotel to the recent completion of the ultra-modern redevelopment of the Flowers Brewery and the wonder of the GBP 330m GCHQ Doughnut. Through my work with Crown Clearance, a small removals and clearance company in Cheltenham, I learnt a great deal about buildings from my boss. While driving in the van he showed me the basic features of building design, such as the design of Georgian flat fronted buildings and 1930's bay windows. Him being a part time property developer, he showed me various things about the houses we were doing removals in, including how you could change the layout to suit modern living, possibilities for extensions, as well as house prices and a little about the potential planning laws. Another factor which has influenced me to choose this career path is the influx of property programmes on television, such as ‘Homes under the Hammer’ and ‘Property Ladder’. I find it fascinating to see peoples’ potential plans carried out, as well as the mistakes they make and problems they face.

My other interests include music and computers, which led me to complete a National Diploma in Music Technology. This has given me a good knowledge of working with computer based applications and electrical equipment, as well as my hobby of building and maintaining mine and my friends’ computers.
A large portion of the course was theory based, and dealt with organisational matters such as setting up a band launch. This involved calculating manufacturing and live events costs, along with planning publicity and marketing strategies. This has given me an insight into how important management skills are, and I am very eager to expand my knowledge of this area.

In my spare time I enjoy playing piano, and I have just finished setting up my home studio. I like going to live music events and keeping fit, attending a Thai boxing gym twice a week and closely follow mixed martial arts contests.

It is my hope that a degree from your university would serve as a solid base for a successful career in surveying or elsewhere in the building industry.


Thanks!

[samcollins]

//I am a bright, capable and friendly student from Cheltenham, Gloucestershire. I have been brought up here and I am now looking to study in another part of the country to expand my knowledge, experience and life skills.//

-> Not a good way to start a personal statement. You should start off by mentioning the most inspiring factor of your career choice that has impelled you to take this up seriously.

//I have an interest in many different areas of life, but particularly in property and structures.//

->Please, no ambiguous sentences. Everyone has different interests, its obvious. Be more specific, focus on justifying your decision to take up this career by citing examples in a more professional fashion.

//For the last few years I have becoming more and more aware that this subject has an amazing potential to be something I can be a part of and add to.//

-> Check the grammar! Flaws and typographical errors get your application thrown out immediately without second thoughts.

//Working with him part time during school holidays for many years, I gained a wide range of knowledge of everything 'hands on' including mixing concrete, measuring, power tools and basic brick laying and joinery. At present I still work with occasionally on gardening jobs, such as laying patios and turf. This has given me a good idea of how to assess and execute small projects, something which I hope to learn more about.//

-> Watch the timeline. You are describing past and present and past again in the next para. Be consistent. You dont want the reviewer to be lost. It looks like you have just put your thoughts into paper without organizing them in the first place.

//My interest in property has grown over several years, to the point where I have decided to expand my knowledge of this subject further and work towards it as a career.//

->Redundancy not appreciated. This is the third time you have mentioned your desire to expand your knowledge base. Please make sure you eliminate these.

//In my spare time I enjoy playing piano, and I have just finished setting up my home studio. I like going to live music events and keeping fit, attending a Thai boxing gym twice a week and closely follow mixed martial arts contests.//

-> Dont mention these in your SOP unless they asked for your hobbies explicitly. You attending thai boxing gym is by noway going to influence their decision to give you an admit for the course related to properties and structures.

Final Comments...
Organize your data correctly. Start with schooling, personal experiences and then finally some projects you undertook and so on. Figure it out for yourself on how to order your essay.

Good luck.
Sam Collins.

P.S: Go through the FAQs posted in the UCAS forms and personal statements section on the top to get a clear understanding of the steps involved in writing a personal essay. Also, you find different essay theme styles, which you can use in your essay to make it more interesting and readable.

[Guest]

Thanks for your reply Sam, it has certainly made me aware of the holes in my statement! I'm now reviewing it and was thinking this may be a more appropriate introduction:

Ever since I was a child a have been exposed to, and fascinated by, the world of construction and engineering. I remember often pestering my mother and father with constant questions such as ‘what does this do?’, ‘how does it do this?’ and ‘why?’

The first statement comes up as a fragment on word, but i can't think of a better way to re-word it.

I really appreciate your help, English is not my strong point and i hope with this websites help i will be able to write a competent personal statement.

Thanks!

[Guest]

here's my first revision, i'm going to do more tomorrow.

Ever since I was a child a have been exposed to, and fascinated by, the world of buildings and construction. I remember often pestering my mother and father with constant questions such as ‘what does this do?’, ‘how does it do this?’ and ‘why?’

For the last few years I have been becoming more and more aware that this subject has an amazing potential to be something I can be a part of and add to. I have been around building and construction since my childhood, my father being a 'jack of all trades' who showed me that with a methodical and deliberate mindset you can achieve anything. My interest in property has grown over several years, to the point where I have decided to expand my knowledge of this subject further and work towards it as a career. Cheltenham has a huge variety of buildings, from the classical style townhouses of Pittville, the regent splendour of the Pump Rooms, to the recent ultra-modern redevelopment of the Flowers Brewery and the wonder of the GBP 330m GCHQ Doughnut.

At school, physics was easily the subject I was most interested in. Intrigued by everything we learnt about, I would frequently skip forward through textbooks and ask facultative questions in class. E

Working with my father part time during school holidays for many years, I gained a range of knowledge of 'hands on' skills including mixing concrete, measuring, power tools and basic brick laying and joinery. At present I still work with him occasionally on gardening jobs, such as laying patios and turf. This has given me a good idea of how to assess and execute small projects, something which I hope to learn more about.

Through my work with Crown Clearance, a small removals and clearance company in Cheltenham, I learnt a great deal about buildings from my boss. While driving in the van he showed me the basic features of building design, such as the design of Georgian flat fronted buildings and 1930's bay windows. Him being a part time property developer, he showed me various things about the houses we were doing removals in, including how you could change the layout to suit modern living, possibilities for extensions, as well as house prices and a little about the potential planning laws. Another factor which has influenced me to choose this career path is the influx of property programmes on television, such as ‘Homes under the Hammer’ and ‘Property Ladder’. I find it fascinating to see peoples’ potential plans carried out, as well as the mistakes they make and problems they face.

Last summer I went out to a renovation project in the south of France, where I helped carry out various tasks to rebuild a huge dilapidated farm house. While there I gained experience of how to repoint walls, replace entire parts of roofs, relay floorboards and much more.

My other interests include music and computers, which led me to complete a National Diploma in Music Technology. This has given me a good knowledge of working with computer based applications and electrical equipment, as well as my hobby of building and maintaining mine and my friends’ computers.
A large portion of the course was theory based, and dealt with organisational matters such as setting up a band launch. This involved calculating manufacturing and live events costs, along with planning publicity and marketing strategies. This has given me an insight into how important management skills are, and I am very eager to expand my knowledge of this area.

Although my qualifications do not relate to my intended study subject, my desire to study this field is immense and I am confident this is the right career path for me. It is my hope that studying at your university would serve as a solid base for a successful career in surveying or elsewhere in the building industry.

[samcollins]

//Ever since I was a child a have been exposed to, and fascinated by, the world of buildings and construction. I remember often pestering my mother and father with constant questions such as ‘what does this do?’, ‘how does it do this?’ and ‘why?’//

You might want to start off like this with a quote:
The novelist Graham Greene once wrote: “There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in.” For me, that moment came when I was "x" years old gazing upon "some structure" that my dad introduced/showed to me. Ever since I have been fascinated by the.....

And then go on to the next paragraph.

//Through my work with Crown Clearance, a small removals and clearance company in Cheltenham, I learnt a great deal about buildings from my boss. While driving in the van he showed me the basic features of building design, such as the design of Georgian flat fronted buildings and 1930's bay windows. Him being a part time property developer, he showed me various things about the houses we were doing removals in, including how you could change the layout to suit modern living, possibilities for extensions, as well as house prices and a little about the potential planning laws. Another factor which has influenced me to choose this career path is the influx of property programmes on television, such as ‘Homes under the Hammer’ and ‘Property Ladder’. I find it fascinating to see peoples’ potential plans carried out, as well as the mistakes they make and problems they face.//

Tune this paragraph such that you mention what you learnt rather than saying that "My father showed me..." and stuff. You have already mentioned that once above telling about your dad's good skills and how his help is inspiring you. In this para, just make sure to mention what you learnt without mentioning who guided you. Just let them know that you have a good background by mentioning the above.

//My other interests include music and computers, which led me to complete a National Diploma in Music Technology. This has given me a good knowledge of working with computer based applications and electrical equipment, as well as my hobby of building and maintaining mine and my friends’ computers.
A large portion of the course was theory based, and dealt with organisational matters such as setting up a band launch. This involved calculating manufacturing and live events costs, along with planning publicity and marketing strategies. This has given me an insight into how important management skills are, and I am very eager to expand my knowledge of this area.//

Concatenate these two paragraphs. "Building computers" is wrong usage and if you think its absolutely worth mentioning, say assembling and maintaining personal computers.

Rest of it is ok but consider constructing more elegant sentences to convey the same meaning. Two or more revisions would churn out a good essay.

Sam Collins.