Start of my personal statement- what do you think- bit long (sorry!)

[charlie]

In the long term i hope to become a secondary school teacher. But to get there im hoping to study at oxford brookes, to take a combined biology and religion,culture and ethics. This is the start of my personal statement, does it sound okay??

"To become a secondary school teacher has been on my career list since the age of 15. I am very fond of supporting, advising and stimulating young people. To share my knowledge with others excites me and when I here one report back what I have taught them gives me a sense of joy and pleasure, knowing that my input has aided that person to move a step further into the future. This I think of as the biggest reward in life. Teaching secondary school appeals to me more as I remember what I was like as a teenager. There was a teacher called ‘Miss Blake’ (who has inspired me to become a teacher) who pulled me through the tough years of growing up, taught me about right from wrong, having her along my side as a teenager has made me who I am today. I want to be like her, an inspiration to other young pupils."

Im not too sure about the last bit.(any ideas). I was gonna go on and say why i have chosen those subjects and then include Voluntary work that i am doing at a youth centre and secondary school and other relevant skills that i have.

[marmash52]

As you said, it’s a bit long. I liked the fact that you used an inspiring teacher in your life in your statement. However, at points the statement sounded a little odd imo...

Here, doest have the same meaning of hear…

"""There was a teacher called ‘Miss Blake’ (WHO has inspired me to become a teacher) WHO pulled me through the tough years of growing up, taught me about right from wrong, having her along my side as a teenager has made me who I am today."""

To be honest, the overall language can be much better at times... taught me (about) right from wrong, you don’t need the about here...

You could start your personal statement a little better. In your case, you might need to use the word "ever since" in the beginning which makes it a whole lot better.

You use a lot of words to describe a simple action, when you are only allowed 4000 characters to describe yourself. This can be a bit of a problem, it might make the reader somewhat bored, and it might give a bad impression of your personality.

I would strongly recommend you to write an alternative to that. Not that its not good, but, I don’t think its good enough. I finished my personal statement, and it took me 11 hours to complete. Sounds a lot, but the sense of achievement was exhilarating.

[charlie]

Hi, thanks for your notes. I kind of knew all that but I was having difficulties with writing what I wanted to say. I have brushed up on a few things now,

“I wish to study Religion, Culture and Ethics combined with Biology because for as long as I can remember I have always had an interest in people’s beliefs, and I find learning about different cultures fascinating. It’s remarkable that a group of people who look very much the same live their life’s completely different because of a ‘God’. Science is also linked to my curiosity about how the world works, and the impact that humankind has upon the earth. I am most attracted to biology because of what the cause entails and my attention is drawn to this particular science because of my knowledge with plants and my fascination of cells. With these subjects I wish to go on to do secondary school teaching. I have wanted to be a school teacher since the age of 15. I am very fond of supporting, advising and stimulating young people. Sharing my knowledge with others excites me and when I hear one report back what I have taught them gives me a sense of joy and pleasure, knowing that my input has aided that person to move a step further into the future.”

What do you think?? And anyone else who may like to comment.

[marmash52]

"Great" !! =D