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UCAS Personal Statement needs reviewing
#1
Hey guys,

This is a very rough draft of my personal statement. I do still think i need alotta help though. Please feel free to make comments.

Passion is the greatest motivator to one’s full capabilities. My passion happens to be in the line of the Business Sector. What particularly interests me in business is the fact that we as individuals are so interdependent amongst one another. Omitting all the intricate rules, regulations and technical complexities in the commercial sector I find that business can be simplified to very similar basic principles as a hockey game. These basic principles consist of motivation, teamwork, obedience and co-operation. Although to a certain extent, of victory is determined on each individual, much/ if not most depends on team co-operation. I feel that I have acquired these qualities as a cricket and hockey player through my secondary school career.
As a former cricket captain for the Hong Kong Cricket Club Gappers training, I managed to encourage my fellow teammates across a number of issues. One particular instance was when all my peers wanted to field in the slips. I managed to compromise a rotation among my teammates so that each individual got a chance in fielding in the slips or wicket-keeping. They were more motivated and each individual was more efficient in the field. As a result, the team started operating in a single unit and thus led to a close game over arguably a far better team. From this experience, I deduced that passion and drive makes much more of a difference then skill. Although I do understand that basic technical skills for whatever role an individual plays, is a critical aspect of any workplace which I hope to acquire in University.
In addition, my work experience of working in KPMG, as a Marketing & Communications Trainee, I learnt a small segment of what an operational business undergoes. I did undergo a 5-day Audit training although this was highly concentrated on auditing rather then marketing, I did get some grasp on tasks and problems that employees undergo. I also enhanced my communication abilities both internally and externally. Also, I found that KPMG’s corporation culture is very open and adaptable to change. Higher management preferred that you clarify and understand tasks before you undertake them. I learned to question some of the company procedures and suggest some reforms. In addition, I also acquired other skills such as researching and comparative analysis. These skills are highly applicable in University and I hope to utilize these skills as best I can.
However, I also wish to pursue my other interest which is the Media. This is primarily because practically anywhere in the world there is some sort of medium. Consciously or otherwise, an individual being exposed to any medium is inevitable in this current day and age. Because media is such a large part of our lives, learning about it seems so applicable to me. In addition to making videos I also enjoy rigorously analyzing and discussing media texts. Normally finding that such texts are polysemic and recognizing different inputs gives me a broad outlook to both opinions as well as respecting other individual’s opinions. As a winner of the 2007 Hong Kong Schools Video Competition (sponsored by trunkaid.org) and creating my AS level Media Studies Coursework I have thoroughly enjoyed both the creation aspect of the media as well as deconstructing and discussing embedded ideologies that various audio/visual texts are the writers and directors are trying to transmit.
Ultimately, I hope to study Business Management / Marketing at a higher level. As these courses correlate to my passion, I quote be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.” – Unknown.

I think it should be more relevant to business. I do only mention extra curricular. Anyways, help would be appreciated thnx.
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#2
explain reason why you wnat to go university
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