suprise, suprise! Help with the PS

[Guest]

For me as many others have probably found this has been one of the hardest short essays i have ever had to write. 2 weeks i've been working on this and what i've come up with is, to say the least, just a tad too long. I really would love some constructive criticism on imporvements and bits i can remove to cut down.

Thanks very much for any help provided!

~Jay


Admin: Remove at posters request

[Guest]

sorry for any grammer errors had to type it up quite pronto. I'll post up an edited copy later on.

Thanks again!

[Guest]

Hi there, after a quick reading through here's a couple of points. Though I don't usually review personal statements so don't take my comments to seriously:

The first paragraph is a bit over-long without saying much about your subject - before the last sentence I thought you might be applying for biology! I think you could get rid of almost all of it and start with the second paragraph which is effective enough in showing your enthusiasm.

Secondly there may be no need to mention chronic fatigue, you could ask your referee to put it in the reference which would free up some space.

You could also take out the last paragraph, as the penultimate one ends fine.

Hope that helps you.

[Guest]

thanks alot! Didn't think of taking out those two bits. Still playing aronud alot with it, need to get rid of 1500 characters before it even fits. xp

[Guest]

I think you should start again. I know that's probably not what you wanna here but i feel the whole flow of the statment is uninspiring and a bit pompous.
Try and speak as you would normally. all i will say is that the introduction is quite unique and grabbing but a bit long.

[Guest]

okay, way to put a guy down. How is that constructive? that sorta comment really makes me regret posting what i did complete.