23/02/2007, 07:27 PM
//Ever since I was a child a have been exposed to, and fascinated by, the world of buildings and construction. I remember often pestering my mother and father with constant questions such as ‘what does this do?’, ‘how does it do this?’ and ‘why?’//
You might want to start off like this with a quote:
The novelist Graham Greene once wrote: “There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in.” For me, that moment came when I was "x" years old gazing upon "some structure" that my dad introduced/showed to me. Ever since I have been fascinated by the.....
And then go on to the next paragraph.
//Through my work with Crown Clearance, a small removals and clearance company in Cheltenham, I learnt a great deal about buildings from my boss. While driving in the van he showed me the basic features of building design, such as the design of Georgian flat fronted buildings and 1930's bay windows. Him being a part time property developer, he showed me various things about the houses we were doing removals in, including how you could change the layout to suit modern living, possibilities for extensions, as well as house prices and a little about the potential planning laws. Another factor which has influenced me to choose this career path is the influx of property programmes on television, such as ‘Homes under the Hammer’ and ‘Property Ladder’. I find it fascinating to see peoples’ potential plans carried out, as well as the mistakes they make and problems they face.//
Tune this paragraph such that you mention what you learnt rather than saying that "My father showed me..." and stuff. You have already mentioned that once above telling about your dad's good skills and how his help is inspiring you. In this para, just make sure to mention what you learnt without mentioning who guided you. Just let them know that you have a good background by mentioning the above.
//My other interests include music and computers, which led me to complete a National Diploma in Music Technology. This has given me a good knowledge of working with computer based applications and electrical equipment, as well as my hobby of building and maintaining mine and my friends’ computers.
A large portion of the course was theory based, and dealt with organisational matters such as setting up a band launch. This involved calculating manufacturing and live events costs, along with planning publicity and marketing strategies. This has given me an insight into how important management skills are, and I am very eager to expand my knowledge of this area.//
Concatenate these two paragraphs. "Building computers" is wrong usage and if you think its absolutely worth mentioning, say assembling and maintaining personal computers.
Rest of it is ok but consider constructing more elegant sentences to convey the same meaning. Two or more revisions would churn out a good essay.
Sam Collins.
You might want to start off like this with a quote:
The novelist Graham Greene once wrote: “There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in.” For me, that moment came when I was "x" years old gazing upon "some structure" that my dad introduced/showed to me. Ever since I have been fascinated by the.....
And then go on to the next paragraph.
//Through my work with Crown Clearance, a small removals and clearance company in Cheltenham, I learnt a great deal about buildings from my boss. While driving in the van he showed me the basic features of building design, such as the design of Georgian flat fronted buildings and 1930's bay windows. Him being a part time property developer, he showed me various things about the houses we were doing removals in, including how you could change the layout to suit modern living, possibilities for extensions, as well as house prices and a little about the potential planning laws. Another factor which has influenced me to choose this career path is the influx of property programmes on television, such as ‘Homes under the Hammer’ and ‘Property Ladder’. I find it fascinating to see peoples’ potential plans carried out, as well as the mistakes they make and problems they face.//
Tune this paragraph such that you mention what you learnt rather than saying that "My father showed me..." and stuff. You have already mentioned that once above telling about your dad's good skills and how his help is inspiring you. In this para, just make sure to mention what you learnt without mentioning who guided you. Just let them know that you have a good background by mentioning the above.
//My other interests include music and computers, which led me to complete a National Diploma in Music Technology. This has given me a good knowledge of working with computer based applications and electrical equipment, as well as my hobby of building and maintaining mine and my friends’ computers.
A large portion of the course was theory based, and dealt with organisational matters such as setting up a band launch. This involved calculating manufacturing and live events costs, along with planning publicity and marketing strategies. This has given me an insight into how important management skills are, and I am very eager to expand my knowledge of this area.//
Concatenate these two paragraphs. "Building computers" is wrong usage and if you think its absolutely worth mentioning, say assembling and maintaining personal computers.
Rest of it is ok but consider constructing more elegant sentences to convey the same meaning. Two or more revisions would churn out a good essay.
Sam Collins.